Archive for the '1' Category


Thursday, September 21, 2017

I love my dog
and his big golden paws
and his velvety ears
and his furry white chest
and his blueish-black flank
and his irritability
when guests arrive
and his doggy smell
and his doggy tail
that whips our calves
and his sharpish claws
that claw our thighs
when he jumps
because when he jumps
he’s excited
very, very excited
he thinks he’s going places
going out to see the world
going out to traipse the yard
to nose-slide in the grass
to bite the frisbee
out of the air
and trot back to us
drop it, and sit. And wait.
I love my dog
because he sits
and looks up
with his ears pointy
and his eyes unblinking
and might lift a paw
if it seems a handshake
is in order.

• • •

September 27

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

belz final


Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Okay, people’ve been asking about my views on tuna.

When I was a kid I thought tuna were puck-shaped.

I later thought they were shaped like chickens, lol.

It is only very recently that I have come to appreciate

the true size of the American Grand Tuna.

I’m sorry, the Great Western Tuna. The Great Western,

also referred to as “Best Western” or simply “Tex,”

can weigh almost 900 pounds excluding extras.

Well I hope that answers many of your questions.

• • •

These Summer Sundays

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Sundays too I get up early
and put my clothes on in the heat,
then with sweaty hands that ache
I make coffee and eggs before we all
head off to church. No one ever thanks me.

I draw the line at polishing everyone’s
shoes. Even my wife and kids don’t
polish their shoes. As a society we’re past
that. Even if we weren’t, I wouldn’t do it.
Breakfast, yes. Shoes, on your own.

Speaking indifferently to me,
who had made eggs and coffee, my
teenage son slouches out the kitchen door
on his way somewhere. I literally don’t care
anymore! He can go where he likes!

• • •

Content Strategy

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

As the new teams begin to gel
we’re reprioritizing buckets.

I’m allocated through mid-September.
After that I zero out. Nuts!

Questions for next standup:
Is there a deck? Are we on track?

• • •

Short Stories I Plan to Write

Thursday, August 31, 2017

“The Man Who Apologized for Everything He Said”

“The Man Who Would Not Stop Talking”

“The Man Who Smelt of Nonfiction”

“The Man Who Wasn’t Smart”

“The Man Whose Clones Ganged Up on Him As a Joke”

“The Man Who Wore Chenille”

“The Man Who Was Incredibly Kind”

“The Man Who Obeyed His Mother”

“The Man Who Could Not Afford to Buy Eggs”

“The Man Whose Nose Had a Hair on It”

“The Man Who Craved Vegetables”

“The Man Who Accused Others of Putting on Airs”

• • •

If My Name Were Allison

Thursday, August 24, 2017

If my name were Allison
Eduardo Jackaway Markham Spicer
Shillelagh Samothrace Burns
Eliot Commonplace Thoroughgood
Jones Endoplasm Jiminy
Cargill Archer McFleeter
Rebecca Cuthbert Monkingham
Ledbelly Hartwick Shields
Bork Canton Sparkplug McGee
I would go by Allison McGee
or maybe simply “Sparkplug.”

• • •

You Were Donald Trump

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

And your hell is to be
reborn again and again
as an average citizen
and watch yourself rise
to power you asshole
and to endure the arc
of your hateful career
as someone who lacks
the power to stop you

• • •


Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Imagine if each
rose planted near me
had its own iPhone

imagine them mulling
but unable to move

Nor can I, a bush,
go inside—or anywhere—
when it rains

The trees
at least bear fruit
(some of them)

but all I
produce is bunches
of waxy leaves

A rose is a rose;
or a rose by any other
name; roses

attract poetry but I,
flowerless and fruitless,
attract nothing

but caryatids—
Wait, I mean

True we share
this plot with three
lovely caryatids

They need no phones,
their gazes are lifted;
they have no hands

• • •


Thursday, August 17, 2017

He’s dumb as a doorknob.

He’s dumb as a box of rusty utensils, she quipped.
He’s dumb as a pale blue umbrella.

He’s dumb
as old medallions to the thumb,
dumb as a kite. Dumb as a spatula.

He’s dumb as a box of rocks, a box of phlox,
dumb as an ox,
dumb as a box of jocks’ cocks,
dumb as chicken pox.

He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.
He’s not the world’s smartest.
He’s not the brightest bulb on the tree.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He’s about as smart as a stick.
Sharp as a marble, she noted.
Dumber than paint.

He’s just a few cards short of a deck.
He’s a few peas short of a casserole.
A few bricks short of a load!

Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.
Somewhere, a village has been deprived of its idiot.
It takes a village to raise an idiot.

The idiot store called. They want their idiot back.
The idiot store is located in the village.
It’s called The Village Idiot.

• • •