Funniest Poet Award

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Robert LOL

• • •

 


Jesus

Sunday, January 20, 2019

I dreamed Jesus peeled off

My handsome face to reveal

My normal face, and he was

Pleased. And he peeled off

My normal face to unveil

My scared face—and was pleased.

And he peeled off my whole body

And was like “What’s left?

I see nothing here. Where’s

My Aaron with whom I am pleased?”

I said “Here I am,” but Jesus

Couldn’t hear me, because I didn’t

Have a voice box or what we

Doctors refer to as a “human face.”

• • •


Diurnal

Saturday, January 19, 2019

M. Night Shyamalan
and Daniel Day-Lewis
walk into the gloaming.

• • •
 


Poets

Saturday, January 19, 2019

There are so
Many mo!

• • •
 


Fantastique

Friday, January 18, 2019

Don’t hector
Berlioz; speak
sweetly to him.

• • •
 


Ja Exception

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Not
Ja Rule

• • •
 


Regret

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

The biggest mistake I ever made was breaking your heart,
if by ‘breaking your heart’ you mean trading my Dwight Yoakam
belt buckle for the false sense of pride with which I entered
my current position at Whirlpool. Wow am I not good at this.

• • •
 


Winning

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

When people say I’m a skolar I say well
look, it really took a lifetime of work
most of which goes unseen, unheralded,
not to mention unrumunurated.

In Layman Sturms: I don’t get paid!
But yes, call me a skolar. I am at least that
if not something else almost entirely.
Look, none of this is my “cup of tea.”

If you have farther inquiries, send them
to Layman Sturms. Or her secretary,
a big fella I’ve only ever heard referred to
as Alpha Dog Cheese Dick the Second.

• • •
 


Spurious

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

“Lose thyself”
-Eminemerson

• • •
 


Kant

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

I wonder if Kant, lacking
inspiration, ever muttered,
“More like Immanuel CAN!”
and if so—whether that worked.

• • •